We named our party play list daddy issues
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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