i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
