Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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