Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize