I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
