he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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