It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
