"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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