Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
