I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
