I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
