She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
