I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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