omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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