So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
