I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
