And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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