Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
