tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize