When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
