People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
