Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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