So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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