If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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