You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
