the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
