apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
