Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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