sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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