i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
