I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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