EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
