Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
