you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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