Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize