I think I died a long time ago.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
