The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The beer is more important than you right now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize