just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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