Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
