Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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