I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
