Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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