dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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