Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
