positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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