speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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