bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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