i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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