if you like me you must not know who I am
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize