He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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