theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
