If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
