i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
