3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So apparently I’m into choking now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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