'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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