so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
