I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
