I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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