I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This house was built for laser tag.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
