I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
