first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
