EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
