When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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