It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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