i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
