I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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